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We feel like Chilean miners. We’re trapped in the abyss of an inane campaign
Should we take our children to a gay pride parade?
Must we consider Andrew’s sexual prowess?
Is this email racist or just offensive?
What kind of dog do the candidates have?
Who has cojones?
Who is the real outsider?
Alas, help is on the way. In just a few days, the candidates will meet to
debate the issues. We’ve waited for so long for this to happen, so long for
a real debate on the important matters facing New York.
But with so many candidates, count ‘em seven, is there any hope for a
We can hear it now:
Moderator: Ms. Davis, what is your policy to create jobs?
Ms. Davis: I would legalize pot and prostitution. Cornell has world-class
agricultural research facilities that we could use to develop potent new
strains of the marijuana plant. This would allow us to corner the domestic
market and be very successful in exporting to worldwide markets. And with
regard to prostitution, I believe that once we are freed of government constraints,
New York could become the new center of the pleasure industry.
Moderator: Mr. McMillan, what would you do to improve the quality of
Mr. McMillan: I don’t know about that, but I do know that my rent is too
damn high. It’s too damn high for a lot of people.
Moderator: Mr. Barron what would you do to bring New Yorkers together, to
make this a more harmonious place?
Mr Barron: That’s not my focus. In fact, I think white people have
controlled things for too long. What I’d like to do is elect more people of
color to the state legislature. And then I’d pass reparations for the
descendents of slaves. You don’t tell Jews to forget about the Holocaust.
You don’t tell the Japanese to forget about internment. Why should blacks
forget about slavery?
All this comes before we even get to Paladino and Cuomo. In fact, who really
believes that Paladino, at this point, is going to engage on substance.
Trailing badly, he needs to attack, and this is the likely venue for
unveiling the dirt he’s collected in six books of opposition research.
By the time we actually get to Cuomo, who really should face some scrutiny,
what does he then say: “I’m so glad to be here tonight? I’m proud to share
this stage with my esteemed colleagues? I’m looking forward to a spirited
exchange of ideas?”
We’re stuck in the mine. There’s no rescue even planned in New York.